H is the Middle of Nowhere: An Original Screenplay
Originally written as a short film screenplay in the mid-1990s (before mobiles were commonplace, so please hold disbelief whilst reading), presumably inspired by being picked up in the States somewhere in Arizona by a drunk American Indian woman in a red pick-up, which is another story (literally – it’s in my travel book Gullible Travels). A cautionary travel tale, and perfect for the last few days of lockdown.
EXT. – BRIGHT HOT DAY – DESERTED ROUGH DESERT ROAD
A MAN in his early twenties with a large backpack is trying to thumb a ride along the long, empty road. He’s getting nowhere and is now sitting on the side of the road, looking pissed off, muttering and swearing to himself. Then, in the distance he sees some movement – a vehicle. Too tired to move, he just sits and watches it, is it a mirage? It slowly gets bigger and louder – the only noise to be heard here. Suddenly it stops in front of him – a big red old pick-up truck. The passenger door swings open and a WOMAN’s voice is heard:
WOMAN
You okay kid?... Where you headed?
MAN
Err... I’m not too sure. To a near-by town? I’d really appreciate a lift.
WOMAN
Come on in.
The MAN gets up, picks up his heavy rucksack, dumps it in the back and gets in.
CUT TO: INT. – TRUCK – DAY
The WOMAN is older than the man, in her thirties, good looking and attractive with blonde hair.
WOMAN
Where you from kid, not from around here, you English or something?
MAN
Close, I’m from New Zealand.
WOMAN
New Zealand... Wow... Now where exactly is that?
MAN
It’s near Australia.
WOMAN
Australia…Wow... I bet you been all over the place.
MAN (casually, cool)
Yeah, I been around a bit, here and there...You ever been out of America?
WOMAN
You mean the U.S.?
MAN
Yeah, the U.S., that’s what I mean.
WOMAN
Well, I never been to Canada and I’ve no plans to either. I went to Mexico for a little while, a long time ago. Mostly I’ve stayed in the U.S. Can’t think of any reason to leave, we got everything here.
MAN
Well, not everyone has everything.
WOMAN
If people just looked around a bit more, they’d realise they have everything. I don’t like the idea of travelling around, rootless. It would suck. I mean, what’s the point?
MAN
What’s the point of staying in one place, when there’s so much to see.
WOMAN
Like I say, you got everything in one place, if you just look around hard enough.
The MAN looks out of the window at the empty barren landscape. He makes a small frown.
MAN
So you live around here?
WOMAN
I like to say that I live in H.
MAN
What’s H?
WOMAN
H is the middle of nowhere! Ha Ha! The letter H. Gettit?
The MAN thinks for a second, then he gets it.
MAN
That’s very funny. I really need to get to a telephone.
WOMAN
There’s a bar coming up in a little while, they got a pay-phone... Who do you need to phone, if you don’t mind my asking.
MAN
Oh I... Well, I said I’d call my mum and there’s a friend I need to speak to... He’s in the U.S now... We’re supposed to be meeting up.
INT. – BAR – DAY
The bar is empty and dark and Elvis plays on the jukebox.
WOMAN (to the man, walking to the rest-rooms)
I’ll have a Bud and a Bourbon.
MAN (under breath, walking towards bar)
Budweiser, Budweiser, baseball, baloney, bullshit.
BARTENDER
What was that?
MAN
Err... Could I have a Budweiser, a Bourbon and a... err... Heineken, please.
BARTENDER
A Heineken?
MAN
Yes, is that okay?... So what do you do for fun around here?
BARTENDER
You trying to be smart kid? If it wasn’t for who you’re with I’d shoot you right now.
MAN
Jesus Christ, I was just wondering...
BARTENDER
Hey, for fun, we drink Budweiser. And shoot tourists.
MAN
Look – is there a telephone here I could use please?
BARTENDER
Yeah, we got a phone... But it’s not working right now.
MAN
It’s not working? You’re kidding? No, you’re not kidding. Would you know where the nearest telephone would be?
BARTENDER
“The nearest telephone”... Mmm... That must be at the lady’s house.
(He points to the WOMAN as she comes out of the restroom)
The WOMAN comes out all made-up, sparkling and smiling.
WOMAN
Let’s shoot some pool!
EXT. – BAR PARKING LOT – DUSK
The WOMAN’s red truck is the only vehicle in the lot. The MAN and WOMAN stumble out of the bar laughing, arm in arm.
WOMAN (laughing)
I think you’re gonna have to drive, cowboy, I can’t do it... I’m wasted, man.
INT. – CAR – DUSK
MAN
I’m kinda nervous about driving, you know. I mean, I only just passed my test, I’ve never driven at night or anything.
WOMAN
Oh man it’s not as if there’s any traffic around!
Just then a police car’s lights and siren are seen and heard coming up fast from behind.
MAN
Oh no, oh fuck shit what am I going to do? This is typical! Don’t let them shoot me!
WOMAN (she pauses, but she’s calm)
Relax honey, keep calm, I’ll do the talking. Slow down, pull over here.
MAN
I wasn’t speeding was I? No, I wasn’t speeding.
EXT. – ROAD – NIGHT
The red truck pulls over to the side of the road, as does the police car behind it. A POLICEMAN gets out, the police car lights are still on. He’s holding something in his hand. He walks up to the truck. The night is quiet.
INT. – TRUCK – NIGHT
MAN (panicky)
Shit man, this is it it’s over... Cops out here... They can do what they like... And I’m foreign and...
WOMAN
Just shut up, relax and let me do the talking.
The POLICEMAN comes up to the driver’s window, taps on it, the MAN nervously and hurriedly winds down the window. The POLICEMAN leans down, looking at the WOMAN, not the MAN. He breaks into a smile.
POLICEMAN
Well Goddam you did it again!... You forgot your purse again!
WOMAN
Oh shit Frank I just knew it! I’m sorry.
POLICEMAN
Oh forget about it... ’s not as if much is going on here tonight... or any night for that matter... So... How are you?
WOMAN
Oh I’m good... Fine... And you?
POLICEMAN
Oh you know... Fine... Okay.
There’s a pause.
WOMAN
Can I have my purse back, Frank?
POLICEMAN (laughing)
By God, I almost forgot!... Of course, here you go!
He hands her the purse. There’s another pause, FRANK is lingering at the window, smiling.
WOMAN
Well, we better be going Frank... Thanks ever so for my purse, sorry to inconvenience you so.
FRANK
Oh you know it was my pleasure... Have yourselves a good evening.
WOMAN
OK Frank, you too. Thanks again. Give my love to Betty and the kids.
FRANK
Will do... Well, if everything’s OK I’ll be going... By the way, how’s your mother?
FRANK looks at the MAN then back to the WOMAN.
WOMAN
Oh she’s just fine.... OK then Frank, take care...and thanks again, it won’t happen again.
FRANK
Oh it’s always my pleasure... well, goodnight.
WOMAN
Goodnight.
MAN
Goodnight Frank!
FRANK gives the MAN a dirty look then turns and walks briskly back to his car. The MAN and WOMAN are silent, then:
WOMAN
Well, shall we go?
MAN
Could you drive now, I’m kinda tired, I can’t see straight.
WOMAN
Sure honey, you rest.
The MAN gets out, looks around at the sun setting, slowly walks around to the passenger door, gets in. The WOMAN slides over.
EXT. – NEAR DARK – DESERT ROAD
The truck starts up and moves on. Its lights are turned on and they’re the only lights around.
We FADE TO BLACK.
INT. – TRUCK – NIGHT
The MAN wakes up with a jump, not knowing where he is. He looks down at his legs, and checks them.
WOMAN
My, you look like you had a fright.
MAN
It’s pitch dark... how can it be so dark... how long have I been asleep for?
WOMAN
Not long honey, half an hour maybe. It gets dark quickly out here.
MAN
I just had the most horrible nightmare.
WOMAN
Yeah, you look as if you have.
MAN
Yeah. I dreamt I was... disabled, in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist downwards and I never went anywhere or did anything, I’d just sit in this wheelchair being really bored, No one came to visit me or anything, so I started hitting my legs, I couldn’t feel anything after all so I hit them hard and became obsessed with them. I took off my trousers – I mean my pants, I started burning off my hairs, I started cutting my legs with a knife, just little cuts at first, then big cuts, I cut my legs right open, couldn’t feel a thing, just bleeding and bleeding and looking at all my veins and bones. Man, it was disgusting.
WOMAN (serious and angry)
Man, that is gross, I don’t wanna hear that shit!
MAN (nervous)
I’m sorry – I didn’t...
WOMAN (sudden change of mood)
Hey honey I’m only kidding... That reminds me of a time a couple of years back – I had been in a bar drinking till about midnight – I got real shit-faced, you know – I go back home – where my mom lives – I was kinda staggering around and I caught the thumb of my left hand on a splinter in the door – here, look, I've still got the scar – I cut it so bad and it really hurt and it starts bleeding real bad and the nail broke, and blood is really gushing out and I was feeling real faint so I go and wake up my mom. We go into the kitchen to get some light and my mom looks at my hand and she faints (she's not good at the sight of blood) – and it was so weird, as if it was in slow-motion, ya know, she just falls! And as she falls – my mom was doing some painting at the time – she falls and knocks over a pot of red paint! This is the truth, man! So there’s red paint and blood all over the floor and table and chairs and like, everywhere and my mom’s fainted right into it! I’m still feeling real kinda faint and weak and sweaty and hot. And drunk. My mom wakes up, sees all the red everywhere, all over herself and the floor and she faints again! And there I was bleeding to death and all she can do is faint!... Well, eventually we clean it up and I put on a bandage and go to bed. In the morning I drive out to the hospital emergency ward and I sat there and waited for like three hours, three goddam hours, and eventually get some stitches. I had a long talk with a biker who had been in a road accident, he was waiting too. It made the time go faster. The doctor told me the nail would eventually heal, but it never has, not totally. Can you believe it?
MAN
That’s quite a funny tale.
WOMAN
Yeah, well it wasn’t at the time, I can tell you that.
MAN
No, I bet... So, you still live with your mother?
WOMAN
I look after her now, she’s old... Besides, I like it, it’s like I’m paying her back for bringing me up an’ all... What about you... You got a girlfriend?
MAN
Yeah, I kinda got a girlfriend, back home in Auckland – that’s the biggest city in New Zealand – I’m still living with my parents actually, but I’m planning, me and my girlfriend are planning to move in together, get a place together in Downtown Auckland, when I get back.
WOMAN
Sounds exciting... What’s her name?
MAN
Kate.
WOMAN
Kate. I like that name. It’s one of my favourite names... How long have you and Kate been going out?
MAN
Well, it’s coming up to three years now I think... It feels a long time.
WOMAN
I hear you... We’re nearly home now... It’ll be nice having you stay awhile... I bet you could guess not many folk venture out this way that often.
MAN
You reckon it’s best to stay in one place and settle down.
WOMAN
Honey that’s what I reckon, that’s what I know... travelling, it’s just an excuse for not having a life... You gotta find your own life at home, you can’t go around looking for it, it’s not there I’m telling you. Okay, you’re young and you don’t have responsibilities – except for Kate – but you’re not sure about her, are you?
MAN
Well, I...
WOMAN
That’s what I thought. Alone in this big ol’ country, you’re lost, you don’t know what to do... My, I bet New Zealand’s not but half the size of California.
MAN
Well, maybe not but...
WOMAN
Well exactly, just what is it you’re doing here?
MAN
Looking around, checking it out... I just figure there’s so many different ways of living this one life, what’s the point of just settling down for one predictable, boring life... Which is kinda inevitable... I just feel I’ve got to do something different but I don’t know what.
WOMAN
Why isn’t Kate here with you?
MAN
Well, she has to work, besides it’s a good time for us to be apart, to think about stuff... Do you... have a boyfriend?
WOMAN
No, no, well, not right now. I been married but I was young and, oh you know, it was a mistake, it was kinda fucked up, I don’t wanna talk about it... You gotta look forward, right?
MAN
Yeah, I suppose.
WOMAN
There was a woman I knew years ago, a housewife I guess she was, nothing else, she became obsessed with cleaning her house and there came a time when there was no more housework to do so – get this – she’d break into peoples houses – just to tidy and clean them!
MAN
What does that have to do with looking forward?
WOMAN
Nothing I guess... It’s just funny what some folk do, that’s all.
MAN
I guess it is.
WOMAN
Hey, you see that light there in the distance.
MAN
Oh yeah.
WOMAN
Well that’s my ma’s house... That’s where we’re gonna be staying.
MAN
It sure is in the middle of nowhere... It’s the only light anywhere.
WOMAN
Just like I said, but there’s the stars and the moon as well.
MAN
Oh yeah.
WOMAN
...and us.
The WOMAN turns to face the MAN and smiles. He smiles back. They don’t say anything.
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
The truck approaches the house. The house is old, big and wooden. Falling down almost. Only one light is on in the house. As the truck comes in it illuminates the house. The truck stops, the lights go out and there’s just blackness. Then the light in the house goes out.
INT. TRUCK – NIGHT
WOMAN (excited and smiling)
Well, we’re home!
They both get out of the truck.
EXT. HOUSE – NIGHT
MAN
I can’t see where I am... It’s all dark... I can’t see what I’m treading on.
WOMAN
Oh right... Sorry... Hold on a sec.
The WOMAN disappears and the MAN waits. He looks around in the darkness. He hears the WOMAN come back.
WOMAN
Sorry about that... That was kinda rude of me.
She takes the MAN by the hand.
MAN
Isn’t there a light out here?
WOMAN
No.
She leads him by the hand into the house.
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
All is quiet and dark, until:
MOTHER
That you?
WOMAN
Of course it’s me, ma.
MOTHER
Well, who’s that with you? I can’t see him.
WOMAN
Well if you turned the darned light on, you’d be able to see him.
MOTHER
You know I don’t like the light. Hurts me eyes.
WOMAN
Ma, we have a guest. Now do you want to see him or not?
MOTHER
Oh shoot. Just wait a moment.
After some banging around in the darkness, a light is turned on.
MOTHER
My! What a handsome pair you two make!
WOMAN
Oh ma! Please excuse my mother.
The WOMAN walks over to her MOTHER and puts her arm around her.
WOMAN (proudly)
This is my ma.
The MAN looks worried as he looks at the WOMAN and her MOTHER together.
MOTHER
Pleased to meet you son.
MAN
Pleased to meet you too.
MOTHER
It’ll be nice having someone staying here. We get awful lonesome sometimes. Haven’t had a male visitor for some time. Not since the last one, in fact. You’ll get a feel for the desert, son. It has magical properties.
MAN
Ma’m, that’s very nice, but I really can’t stay very long. I have to phone a friend of mine, and I have to phone my mother. I mean I’ll pay you for the call. Then I really have to get going. I have to meet my friend tomorrow or the day after.
MOTHER
That’s just fine son. Take your time. Don’t worry about a thing.
WOMAN
Ma! You’re making the boy worried! Now look, you two sit yourselves down, and I’ll fetch some wine, and we’ll all relax. Okay?
MAN
Okay.
MOTHER
I wasn’t meaning anything…
WOMAN
I know, ma. Now just you sit down and relax.
The WOMAN helps her MOTHER down onto a sofa.
The MAN sits himself down on an old wooden chair.
WOMAN
Now don’t you go away, I’ll be back real soon.
The WOMAN leaves. The MAN and the MOTHER sit opposite each other in the room. The MOTHER is staring at the MAN with a big smile on her face. Neither of them say a word. The MAN looks around the room, noticing the walls are all painted red. Many old-looking black and white photos adorn the walls. The MAN looks at the MOTHER, who is still staring at him.
MAN
Why are all the walls painted red?
MOTHER
It’s my favourite colour, son. What’s yours?
MAN
I think it might be red as well.
MOTHER
Just you wait for the sunsets here. You wouldn’t believe your eyes. Like I say, the desert has magical properties.
MAN
Yeah. Could I use the phone now please? I’ll pay you for the call, of course.
MOTHER
Oh, the phone. Sure son, sure. Let me just find that daughter of mine.
The MOTHER stands up shakily, and goes out of the room.
MOTHER (in a whisper)
Sure will be nice having someone help around the house again.
MAN (only half hearing)
What was that?
MOTHER
Oh nothing son, nothing.
The MOTHER leaves the room, closing the door behind her. The MAN is left alone. He stands up and looks around. He wears animated whispering coming from outside the door. He walks towards it. Just as he’s about to open, the WOMAN from the other side opens it instead. She looks a bit flushed, and smiles suddenly at him.
WOMAN
Well!
MAN
Well…
WOMAN
I know. You want to use the phone. Okay. Look. There’s no wine in the house, and there’s not much food either. I’m gonna… I’m gonna pop in the jeep and go to a neighbour’s house. Nearby. I’ll be back in an hour or so. Meanwhile, you use the phone and make yourself at home. You’ll be fine, won’t you?
MAN
Well, I guess… But… You know, I really need to get to a city, like, tomorrow morning at the latest.
WOMAN
I know, honey, I know. That’s just fine.
The WOMAN then walks towards the MAN. She goes right up to him and kisses him passionately. The MAN returns the kiss, but not the passion. After kissing, the WOMAN stands back and looks at the MAN, smiling.
WOMAN
We’re gonna have fun tonight.
The MAN half-smiles back and raises an eyebrow.
WOMAN
You’re gonna miss me.
MAN
Yes.
WOMAN
All right. I’ll see you soon, honey.
MAN
Don’t be long.
WOMAN
I won’t. The phone’s right over there.
She winks at him as she points to the phone in the corner of the room. An old-fashioned black one.
MAN
Right, thanks. I’ll see you soon.
WOMAN
You will, you will. Bye. Was real nice meeting you.
With that the WOMAN half runs out of the room, before the MAN can say goodbye to her. He hears laughter, then the jeep starts up and roars off. He stands listening to the sound of the pick-up truck and then there is only silence. He sits down on a sofa and picks up the phone. There’s no dialing sound. He looks around the room, still with the receiver in his hand.
MAN (shouting)
Hello! Hello!
MOTHER (voice coming from phone)
Hello! Hello!
The MAN looks around the room, then at the phone. He tentatively puts his ear to the receiver.
MAN
Hello?
MOTHER
Hello son!
MAN
Who’s this?
MOTHER
It’s your mother, son!
MAN
Ma’m, you are not my mother. Where are you?
MOTHER
Right in the next room.
MAN
Why isn’t the phone working?
MOTHER
It isn’t working, son.
MAN
Why isn’t it?
MOTHER
It never has, that’s all. Son, listen. Your parents are fine, Kate’s fine, your friends are fine. I’ve made all the arrangements. Don’t worry. The bartender? That’s my son. Frank, he's the other one. They’ll help out, need be.
MAN
What are you talking about?
MOTHER
It is written.
MAN
What are you talking about?
MOTHER
Not me, son. It’s written. You’re to stay here. You’re never going to leave. You’re here to look after me, until I die. Then you die. There’s no escape. Only desert for hundreds of miles. No cars. No nothing. Enough food and water here to last a lifetime, or two. Just you and me, son. Got to laugh, really. Ha ha.
The MAN looks out the window at the red sun about to set then darkness everywhere as the MOTHER’s laugh echoes in the endless landscape.
THE END
Previously on Barnflakes
My top 5 unrealised film projects
Elsewhere on Barnflakes
Homeless Movies